You can read part 1, dettachment is the first step to attachment, here.
// and sometimes it’s all about being saved; finding redemption in the depths of pain and cultivating patience.
Patience can be bitter, and it can be the sweetest. SubhanAllah.
More than pain, the desperation of freeing yourself from pain cuts the deepest - it’s like that one moment of utter surrendering or like a lifetime looped into eternity - you want to free yourself of pain, but you don’t know how - but what’s not the same is, patience within trials - how you respond to a certain situation.
Our beloved Prophet Muhammadﷺ said, that when ahl al-afiyah(people who were spared from hardship) see ahl al-bala(people who were tested) being rewarded by Allah in the Hereafter, they would wish to be returned to the world so that they would cut their skins.
It does not mean that we should ask Allah for trials, Allah is the most merciful and loves to give ease - it means we should always seek the reward - and if we are tested with hardships, we should reconcile to Allah, and keep our patience, for the reward is immense with Allah. SubhanAllah.
Distress is like an unexpected storm; arriving unannounced, throwing us into a sea of confusion and despair - unable to identify pain, let alone patience.
Patience exists in the realm of chaos, uncertainty, heartbreak, and disappointments. We cannot experience patience until our circumstances call for it - and those are the moments that we would never choose for ourselves.
And these are the kind of moments when we question the fairness of life.
When you are good, kind, and fair at heart, you expect the world to be the same.
It wasn’t fair when the world told me, “I wasn’t a good woman”.
To me, at first, it was rage, and then it became pain.
Pain is our unwillingness to submit to Allah. It becomes a war for control. My pain became inevitable when I took on a fight with the world to be seen for who I am, and not just an object molded into its own expectations.
Why did you waste 6 years, if he wasn’t a nice man? You should have given some more time to this marriage.
Why did you have two kids, if you had to leave? You should have thought about your kids, they’ll be ruined.
You never said he was abusive? Regardless of any abuse, there was a man in authority over you, go back.
Let alone, divorce, two kids! No one is going to marry you.
You’ll be 30 in a few years! After that, your chances are very slim.
Oh, she’s divorced, it’s easier to hit on her. This wouldn't be your first time, come on.
Look at you, take care of your health. You’d have to give at least one child to the next one.
I mean, I should take care of my health because I’d have to give at least one child to the next man I may marry - and not because this trauma and the pressure to raise two kids alone sucked the life out of me, or because I need to be healthy to even function.
- and there was I, unable to sleep, crushed between working overtime, completing my education, and going through therapy sessions recovering from the mental and physical abuse from the marriage I left, trying to figure out one more day, I could sort my kids' food, and education.
You do not give swimming lessons to a drowning person, you save them - but patience.
When you hear something that hurts you from your closest of the people, it makes you realize it is only Allah who sees you for who you really are. The more you will run behind the people, the more disappointment you will receive.
"And indeed We have created man, and We know whatever thoughts his inner self develops, and We are closer to him than (his) jugular vein." (Quran 50:16).
Allah is the most wisdom, the most knowledgeable, the most just - No one knows you better than Al-Khaaliq(the creator).
Despite using all the words, and all the explanations I could to make people understand that I am not what they see me as. All that trying to explain “I tried my best”, I got tired - and SubhanAllah for the disappointment, and the tiredness. SubhanAllah for all the failed attempts, and vain tries - I surrendered.
I surrendered to the ultimate, Al-Azeez(The All Mighty) - ya Allah, I am tired, and I am done. There is nothing in me anymore to fight this fight, and it’s not my fight - I submit and I surrender to You, be my help.
I submitted my truth to Al-Aleem(The All-Knowing) - Ya Allah, I do not care, what the world thinks - I care what You think of me - only You can truly know my heart.
No one knows you better than your master - and the only thing that made me keep my peace and patience was, that Allah knows - my pain, my truth, my fears are only with Allah.
But a good woman bears it all in silence - pain and patience.
SubhanAllah, the reward of patience, and the help of Allah is always there, It’s us who fail to recognize it.
Blessing and help of Allah is not only what we pray for. We think we asked for money, and only money will be the blessing - but Allah making way for you to earn that money is the blessing. It's about the perspective. SubhanAllah.
I prayed and I begged for ease - what did I get?
I got ease! My problems are still there if you ask me!
I got ease. SubhanAllah.
Changing a little perspective that it’s not the world I need understanding from, but Allah opened my eyes to how Allah has always been there for me, whom I need understanding from.
Shifting my focus from this world to life, from people and things of this world to the creator of this world, miraculously, I stopped caring.
It was the time, I had to get up! No, it was the time, Allah gave me the strength to get up, and say no to our society’s norms that crush the woman, and strip her of energy and time that she could better spend in the remembrance of her Lord.
If what it’s worth, I never was a good woman, because I refuse to suffer at the hands of the world’s expectations of “what a woman should be like”.
Yes, I never was a good woman because I’d always say, I am not comfortable, where I am not comfortable.
I was not willing to sacrifice myself and my identity enough to please others.
I chose not to stay quiet about the mental and physical abuse inflicted upon me.
Yes, I never was a good woman because I wanted the RIGHT THINGS, for myself - but the right things for myself weren’t benefitting others around me.
To people you are only good when you benefit them in some ways - for Allah, you are good when you do things that benefit you - like trying to better your character, focusing on your religion, setting boundaries for yourself, and working on your akhira.
When you live your life for Allah, you actually live for yourself - Allah does not need anything from us, we cannot benefit Him in any way - but when we submit to Allah, we immensely benefit ourselves.
So, how can a world accept a woman who wants to fully exist without contributing or sacrificing every inch of her existence pleasing and serving others?
I was done being a good woman! I was tired of being a good woman. I’ve had enough of being a good woman.
If a good woman is the one who’d keep suffering, and not break, it was a relief, not wanting to be a good woman!
But, you know, I did not want to be a good woman, deep down, I only wanted to be just a “woman”!
I only ever wanted to be just a "woman." A woman who can be herself without having to take on the role of a man in a relationship. A woman who can be a mother without also being a father. A woman who is worthy of love without having to sacrifice herself. A woman who can be loved and cared for without the need to constantly prove herself. A woman who has the freedom to stop, to breathe, to be human. A woman who is taken care of and loved, just for the sake of love and care, and not for the returns.
Let alone a good woman, in those moments, I did not even get the time to just be a woman - and it takes strength, which I thought I never had - but patience.
My gut would curl into my stomach with all the pain I could not bear, but still, I was put into it - there must be a reason behind this, I used to wonder all the time.
“Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity.” [Al Baqarah, 286]
// Ya Allah, I don’t know what You see in me, and what You want to teach me. I am nothing, but a sinning servant of the most forgiving and powerful Lord, You, Ya Allah. All I know is that if You have brought me here, You will not leave me.
That 26-year-old girl is still clueless inside of me - expecting someone would ask her, for once, if she's okay. If someone would ask her for once how SHE really feels. If she's scared. If she's afraid. If the sky looks too big to her, or the ground too less to keep her foot on.
Allah often chooses circumstances from His divine wisdom, curated perfectly well for us, that calls for patience. When your expectations to be treated fair are with the world, you are brought back to the ultimate realization - it’s only Allah.
There indeed was a reason behind it. Allah is the most kind, most merciful, and full of wisdom. He cannot put me into pain that isn’t there to teach me something - little did I know, He was bringing me, this sinner, closer to Him. SubhanAllah.
My detachment from the world was indeed my preparation to attach to Allah. SubhanAllah - or else there is nothing in me capable of taking a single step toward Him, for it’s His mercy on me.
Every night, when I’d tell myself, “You will be fine”, “It’s okay”, “You can do this”, “You did your best”, “You tried everything in your human capacity to make it work”, “You are doing enough”, “You know, and only Allah knows” - every single word I consoled myself with, built a wall around me - one for patience, and the other for strength, and that’s how the help of Allah built the real strength for patience inside me.
When you pick yourself up from and in the places where the strongest of the strongest would not survive, you find your peace. It’s hard to explain.
I found peace in the places that were the most chaotic - for what it’s worth, being a feeler, I always have felt what I felt. I honored every single feeling and lived it to my core, and Alhumdulillah. Be it sadness, desperation, love, pain, hurt, misery, or whatnot
What played a huge part in finding my way to Allah was that all my feelings were directed towards Allah - I always submitted to Allah - which became my healing.
اِنَّ الۡاِنۡسَانَ خُلِقَ هَلُوۡعًا ۙ ١٩
Verily, man was created very impatient [Al Quran, 70:19]
We humans are made impatient, and that is completely fine.
Patience isn’t, not to feel anxious and worried.
Patience isn’t, not to cry and scream your lungs out.
Patience isn’t, not to feel weak.
Patience isn’t, not to feel sad, lonely, or broken.
Patience is, Ya Allah, I am dying, I cannot do anything, I am not able to do anything, I am weak, and I am hurt, and I am broken, and I am lonely, and I am just too tired. Ya Allah, I do not see the way, and I do not want to see anything at this moment. I am not able to figure my life out, I am clueless, I am sad. Ya Allah, my sorrow is greater than my patience today, but I come to You only, forgive me. Ya Allah, my worries are greater than my patience today, but I come to You only. save me. Ya Allah, my pain is greater than my patience today, but I come to You only, help me. Ya Allah, I want to just do nothing, and cry here in front of you, comfort me. Ya Allah, I am here, Ya Allah, you are here, I am dying, and you are the saver. I am needy, and you are the giver, I am alone, and you are the best company, I am hurt, and you are the source of all the ease, Ya Allah, help me.
Patience is submitting to Allah in all those moments. Patience is to beg for help from Allah. Patience is to share your worries with Allah and not the world. SubhanAllah. The nights I became stubborn and sat on the prayer mat crying and screaming to Allah that I am not going to get up from here until you ease my pain, and you ease my heart – SubhanAllah. It melts me every time - the sweetness, the comfort – God, I cannot put it into words.
Can there be any better consolation than that you can go running to your Lord, and you can cry to Him, and you can beg Him, and be stubborn as a child is to her mother for even a half piece of candy? SubhanAllah – that is patience.
If you truly believe, that only Allah is your protector and provider, and you are a believer, and you say La Illaha Ilallah(there is no God, but Allah), you know in your heart that Allah has heard every single word you have said, and also those you couldn’t say - that is pure love(spoiler alter; we’ll talk about the love of Allah in the next part of this series)!
All those walls that I built around me to save myself from the cruelty of the world, the walls that I built to save myself from insanity, pain, and hurt became my love, and my love for Allah became my strength.
We, humans, like to cry so much – and we humans do not like to hear the cries of others(at least more than a few times), it’s about tolerance and patience.
How can you not fall in love with Allah, to whom you go and cry, every day? Not just every day. You can go and cry to Him five times a day, and even more, repeating the same story a million times, and He comforts you a million times, without complaining. SubhanAllah.
A Strong Woman Is Born In Places, Where Good Women Don’t Go
The help of Allah is the greatest - and when you have Allah beside you when you are under the shelter of Allah’s mercy and grace, no sky looks bigger, and no ground too small, SubhanAllah.
When a woman, a mother, holds the hand of patience, she embodies strength.
When a woman is left alone in the face of adversity, she becomes a woman who fears nothing, but Allah.
For me, it was a journey marked by two fears: the upbringing of my children and relying on others.
The day my husband(ex Alhumdulillah) told me, "I feed you," that changed everything. That day, I resolved that every dime I’m ever gonna spend on myself and my kids will be solely earned by me – Rizq, sustenance, is from Allah, and we each carry our share, written by Him. SubhanAllah - you don’t tell people that you are feeding them, especially the ones you are supposed to take care of.
So, my fears, mixed with rage and hurt, fueled my perseverance. It turned my pain into resilience, and my rage into patience. My patience made me fall in love with Allah, for granting me unshakeable strength to overcome my fears. SubhanAllah – that is a huge blessing, we fail to acknowledge.
So, next time, even if you see a little bit of strength inside you, or hope, know that it is a blessing from Allah, and it is a huge blessing – be grateful to Allah for it. Gratitude has an intimate connection with patience – the more grateful you are, the more patience you will be able to experience – and the more love you will feel towards Allah.
I did what I needed to do; odd jobs, overtime, skipping meals, I broke and I killed myself a million times – but I can sleep in peace today knowing that no one can come to me and say they fed me or my kids. Allah hu akbar. I can sleep in peace today that I begged to Allah only – I cannot say where I got that strength, it surely was the mercy of Allah on me, a sinner, an imperfect servant.
When a woman overcomes the hardest and the lowest of her time alone, she becomes a woman no one wants.
She becomes a woman no one can handle.
She becomes a woman who starts living her life for Allah.
She becomes a strong woman!
A woman who is unvulnerable. Do not ask for help! Does it all by herself!
A woman who is independent. A woman who does not break.
A woman you look at and tell that you cannot even talk to her unless she lets you!
Freeing myself from the confines of the "good woman" archetype, it was time to confront the expectations associated with being a "strong woman" - patience.
Where I put up the facade of invulnerability, my resilience kept feeding on my emotions.
The more people praised my strength the more I hated it.
The strength you commend feeds on me at night. It kills a part of me, every time I go out and face the world. It has become the pain that does not let me sleep.
The strength you admire has taken away the essence of the woman in me.
The strength you wish for, I do not wish upon any woman.
I held the hand of strength for a long time, it sat in my joints and became my perceived identity.
For the world, I became the woman they cheer upon, the woman they give examples of, the woman who can endure anything, the woman whom nothing can break, the woman they look up to, the woman who inspires many other women - but no one could see the woman holding her hand; who’d come to sit with her in the nights, telling her, “I’ve got you”, “we can do this”, “we will do this” – who’d come to wake her up in the morning, and help her dress up in the glorifying armor of strength, telling her, “just one more day”, “it just a day”, “the night will come, and you can rest”.
A strong woman is born in places that aren’t suitable for “good women”!
Where were you when the battlefield taught me how to fight for myself and survive?
But, you know, I never wanted to be a “strong good woman”, I only wanted to be just a woman.
I only ever wanted to be just a "woman." A woman who has a choice to stop when she is tired. A woman who can say I give up. A woman who can say I cannot do this anymore. A woman who isn’t a man. A woman who can say I am done. A woman who is taken care of and loved, just for the sake of love and care. I only ever wanted to be just a “woman”.
“Do the people think that they will be left to say, ‘We believe’ and they will not be tried?”
SubhanAllah, little did I know, if I look back, every ounce of the tears I’ve shed in my pain, and every ache my heart ever felt was there FOR A PURPOSE.
SubhanAllah, what I thought was my sad reality; losing interest in everything, not wanting this world, not wanting people, not wanting help, not wanting anything from life, and only wanting nothingness, was actually the way of my Lord, Allah Subhana Wa Ta’ala, making it easier for me to get closer to Him. SubhanAllah.
And I hate this very famous quote on social media; Your trauma made you stronger.
I mean who wrote that, Ew!
Stop glorifying people’s misery for heaven's sake!
No, my trauma did not make me stronger, it left me with trust issues, it left me cold, confused, scared, and broken, not wanting love and help, and it left me with nothing.
My trauma gave me trauma – it was my faith, my determination. It was my resilience and my perseverance. It was my effort and my hard work to be a better person.
But how much can you stretch an elastic – it eventually breaks?
And I surrendered! I submitted to Allah – I, then again, became stubborn, and sat on the prayer mat - Ya Allah, I am done! See, here I am, in front of you, and I am telling you straight away, I am tired, and I am done, and I cannot do this anymore. I am not strong, and I do not even want to be strong. I am just way too tired. I am weak, and I am miserable – see, I am laying there in front of you, and I don’t have the strength to even get up - help me, save me, help me, I don’t know, help me please please please ya Allah, please.
And what a beautiful moment of liberation that was, again!
I got up from the prayer mat, softer and kinder – softer and kinder to myself, softer and kinder to the world.
Softer and kinder to all the hardships.
SubhanAllah. My heart knew I did not have to grind myself. My heart knew I was worth way more than being a good woman or a strong woman, I had to be “a woman loved by Allah” – not for who I am, not for what I want, but only for I am a creation of the most perfect, Allah.
It’s not about me, not about the world, it’s about what my Lord, Allah Subhana Wa Ta’ala thinks of me.
What Allah wants from me.
What Allah is telling and teaching me.
What He is going to ask me when I will return to Him?
What will matter when I die?
The new resolution I found to live my life was that “do not grind yourself over the things that you are not going to take with you in your grave!”
SubhanAllah!
It opened the doors for me to get closer to Allah.
Redefining Strength and Patience For Women
SubhanAllah, sisters, this is your strength, and this is your patience - striving to live a life that is dedicated to Allah Subhana Wa Ta’ala - and when you live your life for Allah, who is your only master, your creator, your provider, your protector, your support, your comfort, your love, your security, and your everything, trust me you become a woman with ultimate peace, strength, and patience.
SubhanAllah, Alhamdulillah, Allah hu Akbar.
The strength required of you is to spend your time and energy getting closer to Allah. In studying your religion. In making your character loveable by Allah.
Do not give a second thought to anything or anyone who is not helping you get closer to Allah and better hereafter.
This world and these people ain’t gonna go with you in your grave.
A strong woman is one who takes up the courage and chooses kindness, composure, and grace, despite what the world throws at her – and stays focused on her religion.
A strong woman is one who gathers the courage to accept and declare who she is and what she wants.
She’s one who chooses Allah over everything. She prefers her Deen over Dunya.
She prefers religion over culture.
A strong woman is one who would not apologize for others’ insecurities, complexes, and fears.
She sets boundaries for herself.
She unapologetically takes time for herself.
She stands up for herself, as much as she stands up for her responsibilities.
Everything is from Allah, and everything has to return to Allah – it’s the only truth! What’s yours will reach you, and what you did not get, know it wasn’t good for you - Alhumdulillah.
It is easier to accept and understand the things that we know of, but understanding what does not make any sense or cannot be seen is submission!
Submission is letting go, and giving control - Ya Allah, I am nothing, but your servant. I am not capable of even calling upon you, if YOU do not give me the strength to – all that I am is YOU, all that I have is from YOU – Ya Allah, I do not even know the way to praise you and ask you help – yet, You always have been there, helping me, saving me, and guiding me – Ya Allah, be my strength, be my sight, and my hearing, for I cannot even trust myself - I give my all to YOU – SAVE ME AS YOU ALWAYS HAVE.
Submission is healing!
![Al-Qahhar [The All-Prevailing One]](https://static.wixstatic.com/media/ecfd96_0f4397d4ddff48a99db533343d9ecd9a~mv2.png/v1/fill/w_1080,h_1080,fp_0.50_0.50,q_95,enc_auto/ecfd96_0f4397d4ddff48a99db533343d9ecd9a~mv2.png)
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